Waking up...

The other day, I woke up. Something was different. I was different. Then, I slowly realized that for the past few months I have been depressed.

This wasn't a "losing my mind, feeling suicidal" depression. I've had those. This seemed to be a prolonged flatness. No joy or excitement breaching the wall. Just flat. No energy. Trudging through each day. No sadness, just nothingness. I realized I had been depressed, because when I woke up that day I felt better. Refreshed. Ideas and curiousity flooding my brain. An itch to get back into the studio.

Depression has been lurking around me since my teens. Sometimes it has knocked my feet out from under me and I've fallen into a darkness that takes months to overcome. I've had therapy, tried meditation and yoga, changed my diet, my routine, my everything. Medication seems to work best for me, and I know that not taking the meds is like practicing trapeze without a net. It could end very badly.

I'm candid about my mental health struggles because the stigma around depression has prevented many people from seeking the help they need. I don't get depressed because something tragic happened, or because I'm weak, or because I'm doing something wrong. It is how my body works. Some people get diabetes. Some people are asthmatic. Some people get depressed. Stuff happens. I am a bit surprised that I didn't realize what was going on before now, but it was a mild episode and I'm pretty good at rationalizations.

So, what now? I have told my husband and kids what is going on, and have promised myself to be more aware of what I need and want to feel happy. I have made plans to take a class, have booked a weekend in Victoria with my daughter, I'm tackling some interesting sewing projects and will make time to spend with my friends. I will check in with myself more diligently when I start avoiding things or feeling irritable.

It is October. I love fall, and it is an interesting time to "wake up". Much to do before Christmas, much to look forward to, plans to make and places to go. Thanks for listening.